nevermind.

darlin' you're all the drink I need
a sea of gin and tonic couldn't be
the cure that you can for me
was thinkin' bout thinkin' bout
takin' myself out
endin' the whole damn scene
but then I thought of your pretty words
and swear to hell I thought I heard
somethin' callin' me
maybe even needin' me
through all the things I despise
my shattered heart
my blackened eyes
yeah, I
was thinkin' bout thinkin' bout
takin' myself out
endin' the whole damn scene
but then I thought of your pretty voice
and I knew that it'd be a poor choice
it was followin' me
killin' my memory
all those things that made cry
a dead black heart
and sharp, cold eyes
darlin' if you could be with me
I could be okay, you see
I think I'd even be
a little bit happy
darlin' maybe you're all I need

I hear you sing and I
feel like I'm hearing you cry
and I want to protect you
from the ways of the world
from the cruelty of girls
I want to protect you
don't you know I could
if I was better you would
don't you know I could
love you the way that one should
I want to forget you

that I turned into a story on its own.

( Weakness )

what i find
such a curious mind
and this too-full heart
too accepting, too loving,
too hard-pressed to get ahead of me
and unwilling to be all three
what stings like a butterfly
sings like a bee
buzzing in my ears so beautifully
what i find
is a curious crime
it keeps mistaking you for he
he, long forgotten, long destroyed
teetering on the edge of what could be
now you are hardly past being a boy
a fool hard-pressed to get the best of me
but unwilling to try to see
what i might
do with this mind
and this broken heart
too unfiltered, too blinded
too hard-pressed to find another to need
not meaning to be all three
what feels like forever
has been practically never
but in my mind so beautifully
what i find
is a memory of a time
in which you were once he
the one i yearn for, not quite destroyed
fallen from the edge of what could be
and you are hardly past being a boy
a fool hard-pressed to live destructively
unwilling to try and see
if what is you now
could someday again be
he

fat sat down sat down
fat fat fat
sat down fat
sat sat down
on the lumpy
fat fat
fat
sat down fat on the lump
of blankets fat
fat fat
and wondered fat
fat fat wondered
why fat why we
fat fat fat
why we do what fat
fat fat
fat why we
do what we know is fat
wrong fat fat
fat and it never
fat fat
stops fat
fat fat never stops
never stops never stops
fat fat fat
fat fat
they look fat
fat at you fat fat
fat they think
fat fat fat
we all think
fat fat fat
unless they make a move

My uncontrollable sobbing had stopped and I heard music from the other room, faint but confident. This was the calm after the storm, lying there, waiting for the headache to subside. I hadn't meant to put a damper on things, but we were all crazy anyway so I think they might have understood. Slowly I'd walked in as they sat playing the piano, and I guess it was my face that was the pass that allowed me to silently plop down and plunk out the only song I sort of knew.

Shout it from the hiii-ii-iii-iiiiigh...est hiiiiilllll...

I suddenly remembered my place and still without a word I made my way back to the bedroom, and my spot on the bed where the dying light from the window was grabbing at the covers.

An unfamiliar melody started up again, and Sam crawled up toward me. I was staring at the ceiling and he looked at me, and I looked at him, and I didn't attempt to smile. I decided he knew I was distraught, according to the expression on his five-year-old face, and I thought, astute, Sam. Astute.

"Here you go."

He handed me a pillow, very kindly and thoughtfully; this obviously being what I wanted. His eyes were big and a smile on those Kool-Aid stained lips seemed inevitable at some point. And he seemed to wait, most likely waiting for a smile to return on my own small mouth. And I couldn't stop myself from crying again.

"Thanks Sam," I said.




There is nothing as impressive as simple sincerity.

Jesus, I need you to talk
Come on, let’s go for a walk
Like you do
In those songs we sing about you
Jesus, I guess I’ve done you wrong
But I have never kept a promise for very long
You probably think I’ve gone astray
But I’m feeling closer to heaven every day
I don’t know if I should care
When the preacher tells me
I won’t meet you there
Jesus, what I want to know is this
Why have you given me such happiness
Blessed me now with the things I missed
All throughout my misspent youth
Trying hard to make it through
They say you
Think it’s wrong, what I do
Jesus, they tell me it’s a sin
But for the life of me I can’t stop loving him
Is this just a test
Or is this what you think is best
Jesus, you know that I’ve tried
I’ve done all that I can to make it right
Rose was lovely, she was nice
But I always cried myself to sleep at night
And Jesus, I can’t live,
I just can’t live like that
You have got to understand
This is what makes up this man
I’m hoping, praying that you may
Still love me anyway
I’m still doing little things every day
I’m giving money to the poor
I’m telling Dad to believe and I’m knocking on doors
Collecting souls to send into your arms, Lord
I don’t steal, I hardly lie
I’m kind, you know, and I really try
So Jesus, I don’t understand
Why does banging women make a man
Oh, no,
I just can’t believe that’s so
Jesus, they tell me it’s a sin
But for the life of me I can’t stop loving him
You probably think I’ve gone astray
But I’m feeling closer to heaven every day
So please
I need
You to come and talk to me
Come and take a walk with me
Like you do
In those songs we sing about you

25 December 2007

Empty threats scattered writing in a book
Kick and scream in my head hoping someone will look
I'm awake until three and I get up at six
Life's such a bore when you live in the sticks
I turn on the light but it's already on
I don't need the light now it's already dawn
I'm just asleep when I'm not in a dream
I'm just awake when I say I can't see
Gotta count all my blessings from ten until two
Or else I'll find reasons to leave all of you
If heaven exists, I just don't want to go
What is the point of all highs and no lows
If hell exists too, I know I'll just smile
Said I knew this was coming, I knew, just a while
It's funny that I'm not so sure I should die
'Cause I know I don't want to live this half life
I've got trouble believing it's gonna be fine
You know I'm living in my fantastical lies
I can't deal with the real thing, out there in the world
There's just no place for a selfish sad ugly girl
You get what you get when you're born and that's all
You can't go around faking heighth when you're small
You can't make yourself think thin when you're sad
You can't make yourself over when you've spent all you had
I've tried with my might to stop playing the fool
I've done what I can to try to make me look cool
No success so far, I say as I sit here alone
On the bed in this place that I try to call home
Empty thoughts typed onto this clear white screen
Hoping someone will hear my inaudible screams
I've been sitting here thinking since something past six
Life's such a drag when you live in the sticks.

23 December 2007

I knew what I knew,
and I filled in the rest
and threw out the things
I couldn't digest.
so technically I never cared
because I was unaware
of who you really are.
all I knew was I felt some
sort of connection
resulting in the strangest affection:
I cared for you but at the same time
I honestly loved who I made in my mind
based upon a small piece
of what you said and did.
because I knew what I knew,
and I filled in the rest
and threw out the things
I couldn't digest.
because a few little flaws
don't mean quite a lot
when you are perfected,
a slight demigod.
soon comes a time
when the lies start to cease
I realize I've made
beauty out of a beast,
but for a time I believed -
for a time I believed.
I knew what I knew,
and I filled in the rest
and threw out the things
I couldn't digest.

23 September 2007

"being ugly is a losing fight,"
you sang
and i can relate.
but the thing is,
i always thought you were beautiful.
i always thought you were beautiful
when you smiled
but after awhile
you seemed to stop
and that's when
you began
to fight.

24 May 2007

If.
The wonderful,
hopeful
If.
If we, If you, If I.
If this happens,
If that.
We will all
rest happily
and be joyful
forever
If we can.

26 April 2007

oh the infinite
firmament above
our heads
if i could
touch it
with my clumsy
fingertips.
one would think
nothing better.
would it be
as remarkable
as touching
the beauty
and the strength
that i have done?
for to brush
the sky
is little compared
to brushing with
the benefactor
of absolution.
i may as well have
touched that
pale blue sky
by gazing into
his clear eyes.
when his silence is
broken and
he speaks but to me.
i feel as whole
as this wide world
with nothing to
show for it
but my
failing breath
and yearning
heart.

23 April 2007

We are two.
Seperate beings. Entirely.
I'm looking at the sky.
You're looking at the ground.
What do you see? It's just dust.
The stars are bright.
They're telling me never. But.
I think we might.
If we could. If we had the time.
You're practical. You know.
You know everything.
It seems to me.
I don't often give people that.
I don't often let them condescend.
And look at me. As though I were five.
However, you? Well.
I let you patronize. As often as you like.
I just like to hear you speak.
And see your eyes alight.
You.
You speak volumes with your actions.
(Through an air of flippancy.)
You are precise in your work.
(Rarely erring. Never careless.)
And when you smile, you remind me.
That even the worst days really aren't.
So, what am I to do?
Oh, starry sky. Tell me where we go.
I should look down to the earth.
Learn pragmaticality.
The chance has passed by already.
The days are not so long.
Remember those you left behind.
Take care with those not gone.

15 April 2007

wash
wash off
paint
paint brush
brush
brush against
don't
don't talk
talk
talk like
like that
like you
know me
know me, you
you don't
don't
don't say -
I didn't
didn't mean it
it
it's just that
that
that way you
you
you say...
if you
you
you want to say
say
say it loud
for all to hear.

15 March 2007

awhile back
I had a dream
in it
there was you and me
and in that
awkward way of mine
I tried
to tell you that I
love everything about you.
I thought
maybe if
I could
to you admit
that I thought you were
the light of day
you might just smile
and see it that way
but in my dream
you simply laughed
and gave me
an unreadable
sideways glance.

27 January 2007

Many a passerby's
fleeting glance -
A mere bystander's
warped perspective
would cause them to conclude
that you are nondescript;
perhaps even naught to look at.
What foolishness is this,
I do declare!
For when I look at you,
I see beauty beyond compare.
It is as though Hecate herself
did decide to lure me to you;
and you being so on top of the shelf
began a vicious circle of self-destruction,
with me trying to reach you.
For there has been no time
since I looked in your eyes
that I thought of anything;
anything but you.
From the bystanders you've kept
the secret of your true form.
I must say, you are adept
at walking with the mortal men.
And although I am not of your kind,
no Venus and no Aphrodite,
you may just find
that I've love for you, my dear,
unlike any you have ever had.
The kind of love that gods do fear,
and cannot fight against.

24 January 2007

Perhaps words
will allow me
the luxury.
My jumbled thoughts
visualized.
Perhaps it will lead me -
show me
what I need
to know
to understand.
If I choose to believe
that the left hand
holds the key;
well,
it may just have been switched
while I could not see.
If I somehow percieve
that it is within the right
palm that the answer lies,
well,
they can't call it the right
for nothing...
Right?
Maybe
I'm just thinking too deeply
about something so very easy
to understand
but I can't
seem to grasp
the meaning at all.
Oh, the rise and fall
of my heart rate -
it changes the pace
of my step.
Perhaps if I never find
what I seek,
never find
what I need,
it won't matter much
to me,
anyway.
Let the world go
on as it may.

9 January 2007

it is only pretense, i
make-believe your love for me
is real
and i fall into it: deep
dark seas--
though my feet have hardly
touched the water--
the dreams of what we could be
slowly take me
and i am whisked into
the false
world i have made myself see
outside
the real is without
and a look inside
your sky-blue eyes we
overanalyze
does not
mean a thing
unless it so happens
that i have been correct
all along
which would be a miracle, agreed
but if, please
if
this unshakeable belief
is in some way truth
i implore you:
just breathe
a word of it to me
and even if you walk away
i will be satisfied
and shall rest with a sigh
ever so very
happily.

18 November 2006

Across the table from the mouth of the incomprehensible
Came the words that could tantalize the very sensible
A lovely story that had me caught
Up in what could be even if it would surely not
And oh, what it would be!
The things that he told her--I'd never heard better!
She spoke them as if some casual observation of the weather
But she talked endlessly, and I knew
This was something greater, and she knew it too
And oh, what it would be!
I thought intensely about all that she had spoken
And played with my plastic straw 'til it was nearly broken
Creating extravagant falsehoods in my head
Someone telling me all of the things that he'd said
And oh, what it would be.

14 November 2006

Midevening's staring blankly at you from an open window.
Seemingly knowing all you ever wanted desperately to know.
What is it like to be so lovely? So glorious and calm?
What is it like to shine this pale pink light into my open palm?
It would be grand to be a fleeting thing the night's darkness erases.
You'd only come round once a day to greet our weary faces.
However, I say: intangible, you wouldn't know at all, you wouldn't feel.
But to you it would not be so bad a thing, to never know you were real.